What a great episode.
We're back in time to check on our Northern Wyoming Bacon Loaf.
Say, that looks bacon-licious.
All we have to do is garnish.
Macon's going crazy. Hold on, buddy, this one's for you.
Here's a fresh bacon loaf for Macon.
Hold on there, buddy. Not too fast. Okay, all right.
All that bacon grease can't go to waste, so I pour it into ice-pop makers. Like this.
You see, bacon grease congeals.
So if you pour it in, and you wait long enough...
...bacon pops!
Who'd like to try one? You, come on up.
- Come over here. You like bacon? - Yeah.
Give that a try.
- How is it? - It's bacon-licious.
It's time to watch our favorite episode: "Chickenpox."
Chickenpox affects you worse the older you get.
When I was young, Mom made me sleep at friends' houses when they had it...
...in hopes I would get the disease while still a child.
In this episode, the boys also learn a lesson...
...when they hire a prostitute to give their parents herpes.
So grab a bacon pop, sit back and enjoy "Chickenpox."
Chickenpox
- Good thing we got her here in time. - What's wrong?
It's chickenpox. There's an epidemic going around.
- She never had the chickenpox as a little girl? - No, she's been healthy.
That's the problem. Chickenpox is normal with children...
...but as you get older, it becomes a ferocious disease.
Shelley, look who's come to visit. Your little brother, Stan.
Whoopee.
People don't realize that chickenpox is a form of herpes.
- You got herpes on your face. - Shut up.
- Will she be okay? - She'll be fine.
Stop it.
We just want to be cautious and monitor her here.
Stan, give your sister a kiss. We have to go.
It's much worse as you get older.
My daughter is in bad shape now, but if she were in her 20s, she could die!
I never knew chickenpox was such a dangerous illness.
It's better to get it when you're young.
I started thinking that we should have our boys play with a child...
...who has the chickenpox. Let them get it now.
That's not crazy. Mothers do it all the time.
Yes. When I was a child, my mother had me go over to a little girl's house...
- ...who had the chickenpox so I would get it. - So it's not so crazy after all.
No. I'm pretty sure that strange boy Kenny has chickenpox right now.
You guys having a meeting?
Would you boys like to have a slumber party at Kenny's house?
- No way. Kenny's family lives in the ghetto! - Let's just have a slumber party here.
You're going to sleep over at Kenny's, and that's final.
Weak.
I wonder why our moms want us to sleep over at Kenny's.
- It's pretty weird. - All I can say is, he better have Nintendo.
Well, here's Kenny's house.
- Yeah? - We're here to have a slumber party.
- What? Kenny's sick wi- - That's the point, remember?
- Their moms want them to catch it now. - Oh, yeah.
- Catch what? - Nothing. Come in. I was making dinner.
- Cartman. - What?
Kenny, your little friends are here. Come play with them.
I know you're sick. Now get your buns out here.
Buns.
- Whoa. You got herpes on your face too. - Where is the Nintendo?
We don't have a Nintendo. We got a ColecoVision on the black-and-white TV.
This is like a Third World country.
Throw your bags in Kenny's room and come grab dinner.
I'm starving.
Let's say grace.
Lord, thank you for this payload of frozen waffles you have bestowed upon us.
And since we have been faithful, we know you will send us some good fortune one day...
...even though you sure as hell seem to be taking your sweet time. Amen.
Okay, let's dig in.
That one's mine.
What kind of side dishes will we be enjoying with our frozen waffles?
Am I to understand there will be no side dishes?
So, Kyle, your dad still bringing home those big, fat lawyer paychecks?
- I don't know. - Don't get started.
What? I'm just asking.
Your dad and I used to be best friends. We worked together at Pizza Shack.
But he got promoted and went off to community college, and I didn't.
Know why? Because your dad's Jewish.
I heard that.
That ain't why. It's because you're an alcoholic retard...
...and he had dreams of not eating waffles every night.
- Is it my fault you can't cook? - What can I do with frozen waffles?
- You put them in the toaster. - You just don't know how to use spices.
My waffle's done!
Kevin, we ain't got enough. Split that with your brother.
Are you f**king kidding me?
We don't say f**k at the table, you asshole!
We apparently don't say side dishes, either.
If you're going to sneeze, sneeze on them.
Your family sucks ass, Kenny. Who ever heard of frozen waffles for dinner?
Let's get in our sleeping bags and get this night over with.
What the hell is that?
- My Urkel sleeping bag. Isn't it cool? - No, it's not cool!
- I think I saw a rat! - You have rats in your house too?
Stop being so poor, or I'm going to start hucking rocks at you.
I don't think it's healthy to sleep with rats.
Okay, let me see.
- Goody, you've got a fever. - What do you mean, "goody"?
It looks like you've got chickenpox.
Chickenpo- Oh, no. I caught it from Kenny.
I guess you did.
- You seem happy about it. - All right. Off to bed with you.
Don't scratch it.
But, Mom, it itches. I can't stand it.
No, hon.
- I got you some calamine lotion. - I don't want it!
It'll make your itchies go away.
Hey, give me that.
Not too much. It says on the bottle that too much can be bad.
My calamine lotion!
I don't understand. He's perfectly healthy.
- I feel great. - Are you sure you stayed over at Kenny's?
We had bread sandwiches for breakfast.
- You slept in the same room? - Yes. Why?
How would you like to spend the night at Kenny's again?
No way. It sucked. They don't even have cable.
- You need to spend time with your friends. - Kenny's not really my friend.
I'm gonna give Mrs. McCormick a call.
Is it true that you and Kenny's dad were best friends?
Who, Stuart? I guess we were.
How come Kenny's family eats waffles and has rats...
...and we have a big house and lots of food?
Kenny's family doesn't have as much money as we do.
Why? If they're hungry and poor, why don't we give them half of our food?
Boy, have you got a lot to learn. Sit down, son.
Kyle, we humans work as a society.
And in order for a society to thrive, we need gods and clods.
- Gods and clods? - Yes.
I spent a lot of time going to law school...
...because I have a higher intellect than others.
But I still need people to pump my gas, make my french fries and fix my laundry machine.
I see. Gods and clods.
Right. Kenny's family is happy the way they are, and we're all a part of America.
Stanley, can I get you anything else?
Stanley? Oh, my God. Randy. Randy, hurry. He's burning up.
Don't worry, Stanley. You'll be okay.
Can we talk outside?
- We're going to be right back, okay? - Okay.
Serves you right, you little brat.
At least I'm not going to die from it like you.
If I die from this, I'm taking you with me!
- Will Carol find out...? - I wanna watch Terrance and Phillip.
- We're watching this. - I've got the remote, bitch!
Terrance, would you check my ass for abnormalities?
Sure thing, Phillip.
You got me again.
That's tomfoolery.
Give me the remote.
No way, dude. We're gonna watch Terrance and Phillip all-
Get me out of here.
He'll be okay, but we need to monitor him.
- Oh, God. What have we done? - It's not your fault.
We purposely sent our son to stay with a friend who had chickenpox...
- ...so he would get it early. - Wow. You did? Wow. You guys suck.
- Can we go home now, Mom? - No. You play with Kenny some more.
We've been playing for eight hours. We can't think of anything to do.
I've got a game for you. It's called "ooky mouth."
- What's "ooky mouth"? - Let Kenny spit in your mouth.
Then try to swallow his spit and say "ooky mouth" at the same time.
- Sick, dude. - No, no, it's loads of fun. Try it!
- That ought to take care of it. - Want some more hot water?
No, thanks. It's terrific.
You don't have any tea or coffee to go in the water, do you?
No. We don't care for that rich-folk stuff.
I see. Well, you certainly have a humble home, Mrs. McCormick.
Unfortunately, my husband is a washed-up hunk of s **t.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Ooky mouth. Gross! I can't do it, Mom.
Try again, bubee.
Your husband and mine used to work together.
They was best friends. Couldn't separate them.
Really? I met Gerald in college, so I didn't know. What happened?
They grew apart. Stuart's jealous that your husband got out of making pizzas...
...and made something of hisself.
Well, that's too bad. I'm sure your husband is a fine man.
Hell, no. He's a nugget of deer turd.
If they were such good friends, it's silly that they don't talk anymore.
- Let's get them together. - I don't know.
We'll just arrange a fishing trip for them.
I can't say "ooky mouth" and have Kenny spit down my throat.
- It's impossible. - Practice makes perfect.
Damn it. Where's that calamine lotion?
- I've got good news and bad news. - Give it to me.
- The good news is, you're healthy. - What a relief!
The bad news is, you have cancer.
- Cancer? - I'm afraid your ass is collapsing.
- My ass is collapsing? - Yes.
That's your ass. See that line? That's your ass collapsing.
- Your ass is collapsing. - This means I won't be able to fart anymore?
No. It means you won't be able to live anymore.
Oh, no.
Damn it.
No, Kitty, that's- Wait a minute. Come here, Kitty!
- I'm back. I got more calamine lotion. - It's about frigging time! Give me that.
Just use a little bit. It has to last a while.
Yes.
- I didn't know you liked to fish. - Yeah. I haven't done it for a while.
I had to run out and buy a few things. A rod and a reel and a...
- Tackle box? - Yeah. Tackle box.
Smell that mountain air. What a great Saturday. Aren't weekends the best?
When you're unemployed, weekends are meaningless.
Right, right.
So, children, that's how you tell a prostitute from a policeman.
Now, are there any questions? Yes, Kyle?
What does that have to do with American history?
That's a good question. Any other questions?
I'm the only one here. Everyone else has chicken herpes.
Right, right.
I'm going to assign you all a paper.
The theme of the paper will be "How I Would Make America Better."
Does everybody have to do it?
Don't worry. All the children who are out sick have to turn in a paper too.
- Homework? But I'm in the hospital. - Your teacher sent this stuff over for you to do.
What kind of sick weirdo is he?
Now, Stanley, I know teachers can seem cold and heartless...
...but later you'll understand he did this for your own good.
- Not Mr. Garrison. He really is a weirdo. - It's true. He is.
- Anyway, here's a pencil and some paper. - Wait, where you going?
- We're going out for milk shakes. - Milk shakes?
Then we're going to the movies.
- See you, son. - Weak!
This is how America works. We have gods and clods.
My dad says America needs both rich and poor, but I have a better idea.
No, I don't understand it, Dr. Schwartz. He's perfectly healthy!
He's been at Kenny's three days in a row and hasn't caught chickenpox.
- What? - I don't know what else to do.
We sent the other boys over, and they got sick, but I can't get Kyle to catch it.
- Oh, my God! - Kyle, what are you doing there?
- You. - I'll call you back, Dr. Schwartz.
- You! - What, bubeleh? What is it?
You sent us to Kenny's on purpose. You wanted us to get sick.
It was for your own good. I wanted you to get chickenpox while you were young.
Why? So I could be waiting to die like Stan?
- Kyle, come here. - Get away, you crazy woman!
- Beer? - No, thanks. I brought my own.
Microbrew sampler from Aspen. Six beers from local breweries.
Remember when we built a fort in your mom's backyard?
Yeah. It took us damn near two years to finish it.
What ever happened to that old hunk of junk?
- That's where I live now. - Right.
That's why Knight Rider was the best show in America.
- Stan! - Wake her up, and we're dead.
You know how after we spent the night at Kenny's house, and you got chickenpox?
- Our parents sent us there to get us sick. - What?
They knew staying at Kenny's would make us sick, and they did it anyway.
- They did? - Yeah. I figured out why.
- Why? - Because they're assholes.
- Of course. - Come on. We gotta get out of here.
I don't know what they're planning, but it can't be good.
I hope that one day America could be more like Endor, where the Ewoks live.
Endor is very cool.
Mom! Answer that!
They have trees and Ewoks and barbecues...
...which is why I like Endor more than America. It's cool.
- Remember how we spent the night at Kenny's? - I remember waffles with no side dishes.
Our parents sent us there to catch chickenpox.
Your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face.
- She what?! - It's a parental conspiracy.
They're trying to kill us.
That bitch. I'm going to go kick her square in the nuts!
No. We're gonna get them all back.
I'm sure you'll find another job. Something'll come along.
Not that easy. You were lucky.
Now, I wasn't lucky-
You had rich parents. You got to go to that expensive community college.
I worked my ass off to get to where I am today. I wanted to be somebody.
I did too. I just wasn't born with a silver enema up my ass.
You're just jealous. You're a drunk, just like your father.
Now don't make me do that again.
You son of a bitch!
- Doctor? - Yes.
- Where's Stan? - Stan?
Stan, our son?
- Yes. Where is Stan? - Stanley's missing?
No. He's not missing. We just can't find him at this moment.
Oh, my God. Our son ran away.
- Will he be okay? - We have to get him back soon.
If he doesn't get his antibiotic shot, he could die.
- Die? - Yes. It won't be an easy death, either.
- The chickenpox will move into his lungs. - Okay, let's go look.
The pox will move into his brain, making him think he's David Duchovny.
- God, no. - I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.
Now moving on all fours, his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of-
- So how was it? Did you have a good time? - That son of a bitch ripped my parka.
- Catch anything? - I just don't get it.
Why would he invite me fishing and then turn into a bastard?
I have to tell you something. He didn't invite you. I set it up.
- Why would you knowingly deceive me? - I thought it would be good for you.
Like you deceived our son into going to Kenny's? That didn't work either!
I'm doing the best I can!
"My Final Solution, " by Kyle Broflovski.
My dad is the smartest guy in the world. He taught me that poor people are clods.
I want to live in a world of only gods. My idea to make America better...
- ... is put all poor people into camps. - What?
Then there will be nothing but rich people.
There won't be hunger, poverty or homeless people, because they'll be dead.
Oh, God. What have I done?
- What's happening here, Terrance? - An anal transplant. It's our only hope.
- Who's the donor? - I am, Phillip. I am.
- You're giving up your ass for me? - Just half. Can you believe it?
We're going to share the same ass.
Damn it! Not now.
Damn it. Terrance and Phillip are about to go into surgery.
We want to know about herpes.
- What makes you think I know about herpes? - You're the only grownup we trust.
- How does someone get herpes? - By sharing relations with somebody who has it.
You have to be careful around someone with herpes.
You know anybody with herpes?
There's Old Freida. She has a mouthful of herpes.
- Stay away from her. - What if we want to give somebody herpes?
- Then Freida's the right person to go to. - Cool. Thanks, Chef.
Wait. What did I just do?
- Stanley! - Stan?
Stanley, where are you?
- Are you Old Freida? - Who wants to know?
- Someone who wants a favor. - $10 a lay. $5.00...
- We want you to give our parents herpes. - $5.00.
My dad has $5.00 on his dresser.
You sound pretty sick. You should go back to the hospital.
And have Shelley kick my ass? Plus, I gotta get my parents back too.
- Thanks a lot, Freida. - Don't mention it.
This is gonna be so killer. They're all gonna get herpes.
- Stanley, where the hell have you been? - You had us worried sick.
- You have to get back to the hospital. - I don't wanna go.
- We're taking you back. - Don't you feel like brushing your teeth?
- Freshen up your breath? - I don't feel so good.
Maybe you finally caught the chicken-
Kyle!
I hope you learned your lesson. Playing with chickenpox almost killed you all.
- We're sorry. - Be glad we got you here in time.
- Your parents are here to see you. - This itches. Give me some calamine.
Get your own.
- Stanley, how are you feeling today? - Pretty good.
- Doctor says you can go home tomorrow. - Isn't that great?
- Wow, cool. - How are you, Kyle?
- Are you okay? - I'm better now.
What's so funny?
- We gave you guys herpes. - What?! You did this?
We got you back for getting us sick. We had a prostitute use your toothbrushes.
I can't believe you gave us herpes. You little rascals.
I guess it serves us right.
We should have been honest about wanting you to get chickenpox.
It's true. We were wrong for deceiving you.
- How come you don't have sores on your lips? - I have them somewhere else, poopikins.
And, Stuart, I think I owe you an apology.
I shouldn't be so cold towards people that are less fortunate.
Hell, I'm sorry too.
Phillip, I'm so glad everything turned out for the better.
- I know one thing for sure. - What's that?
We're all gonna need a lot more calamine lotion.
- Oh, my God. They killed Kenny. - You bastards!